Ending and Beginning

Well, I gave notice recently to my now-former boss that I was not returning to work, that we had decided that I would take the opportunity to be with my son and husband. It was a sweet conversation - I was so excited to talk with my boss about this change because he has such a great view of life and work, and I knew it would be a fun and interesting discussion.

His first reaction was "Are you sure?!" I loved that. We joked that coming to work is sometimes a great reprieve from home/family life, a great 'breather' away from the ones we love that also have the unique ability to drive us crazy.

This is an interesting change for me - it will be the first time in my life that I will not be supporting myself (or more recently adding to the family's bottom line) with a hard-earned paycheck. I warned my husband before we headed into this season that it might be rocky. More from a personal point of view rather than financial - we were prepared for that. I've experienced gainful employment since I was a young babysitter! And finances were always on the tight side in my home growing up mainly due to a father who left when I was in sixth grade. But my mother was a hard worker, and we made it and even enjoyed major family purchases under her money management.

I saw work as a necessity - a way to prove myself, have worth (literally), and a way to justify myself as a girl who could take care of herself independently. I wouldn't have had it as easy as I did if it had not been for the way my mom and stepdad set me up for success. Sending me to college, expecting great things of me, and encouraging/prodding me all along the way.

I had a time of workaholism, during the dotcom boom and bust. I was flying high, working for a small company that built itself from the hours of hard work only possible from single people with no lives to speak of outside of work. And it paid accordingly, trying to make all the sacrifices worth it, and it was to some. But I depended on caffeine to get me through (like a medical resident) and I unfortunately depended on my boss and work status to determine my perception of self worth. What a roller coaster that causes! I finally jumped off that speeding train, willing to take any job that would remove me from that situation. Being solvent allowed me to do that (as well as renting at the time), and take a steep pay cut to get away in one piece.

So, this most recent job was a return to a corporate culture that was more established and distinctive for its laid back timeframes (in comparison). I had to learn that it was a safe place to 'gear down', and in fact you had to - in order to not make yourself crazy with the slower, but sure, pace of progress.

I got married while working there - planning my wedding in spare moments and having actual personal conversations around the proverbial watercooler with kind people that really cared. I watched this corporation respond to Hurricane Katrina and participated on campaign committees (during work hours, no less!) to raise money for the local nonprofit community and attend ribbon cuttings for Habitat houses.

I let my management know that we were trying to have a baby, and found many other women there who were new mothers that shared all kinds of wisdom with me. I attended baby showers for co-workers, and then was thrown my own when we got the good news. I applied for maternity leave and processed all the necessary paperwork attending such an event. I prepared my replacement person with spreadsheets and hours-long conversations about my clients and the peculiarities of each region and accounts. I left knowing that I was not coming back.

But even so, I had been wisely cautioned by work friends that "you never know what might happen - so keep an open mind and the door open in case you change your mind". Indeed, my husband experienced a heart problem two months after our son was born, causing me to think - is this serious enough that I need to continue working? for secondary insurance or extra money for medical bills? Thankfully, it's not needed, but it was a thought that gave me pause. But also my friends had meant that there were women who thought they wanted to quit work, but then once in it discovered that they were not challenged enough and couldn't live without going to a job. Or hated being a full-time mom, really needing the reprieve of work. OR the opposite - the mom-to-be swore she wouldn't be able to wait to get back to work after birth, then come to find out she loved being at home!

I am glad to report that I am blissfully, no, that's too Disney of a word - content. I am contented in a way that I have never been before. Well, maybe once before when we were newlyweds and I looked around at all the generosity of friends and family helping us set up housekeeping and I had the thought "we have everything we could possibly ever need - and even niceties on top of that." This is similar, I don't know if it is my age or what, but I am just content knowing that this is my place of belonging now, this is my calling right now, for this season of time. This little family of ours makes me deeply content - we were a family before as well the two of us, but now we've expanded our borders to welcome in this little trusting one. We trust in the leading of the Spirit to make us worthy of that little boy's trust. And I'm trusting that I'm up for the job - the job of being a mama.