5/9/07 writings after first Ukraine trip
These words are like a trumpet call – to a higher, nobler life. That new birth we’ve been initiated to is messy, it’s painful, a struggle, a fight. But living in that new life, how do I walk it out? Well…first – led by a Spirit and only in his strength and in the midst of everyday living, of minute by minute decisions. I don’t know a lot about the Holy Spirit, but I think I have known Him all my life, I just didn’t have a familiar name for him. A hallmark of following in my life has been choosing openness, vulnerability when I just want to run away, when I desperately want to hide or find a compelling distraction. So, I am trying to bookend my days with a request in the morning to God to be with me and guide me and help me to hear his call and respond, and at the end of the day asking forgiveness where I have stubbornly refused his help or his leading.
It means going on an adventure of seasons- the death of winter, the renewal of spring, an understanding of the fullness of time and not quite yet, of trusting that the events of my life and the world’s life do have meaning and symbolism.
But how do I interpret the events? The timing of my actions? I won’t have a full view til heaven, but I do have an interpreter. When I was in Ukraine recently, I had to go where I was led, trusting completely in my guides. I had to trust that they were understanding my intent with my compilation of English words and that they conveyed back to me in their thoughts. We were both limited, but through body language and smiles, we spoke. Having to interpret others speaking English as their second language, and their phrasing being so unique and different, it made what they said very poignant to me. One example was "Of course it is raining, you are leaving us and the sky cries." It's like having deep, heart-talk conversation all the time, in regular conversations! I would have been completely lost without them…I had not prepared for my trip by studying maps, landmarks, places to see. I went in faith, so every moment was an adventure. I think that my faith walk needs to be more like that trip, where I prepare as much as possible, but let it all go as the day or the length of the trip unfolds. My choice, actions, decisions have impact.
My choice to open up, to have boundaries, certainly, but to have a certain willingness of heart is a constant hard work of the day, minute to minute. At work, do I have to prove myself or my stature, or can I let my work and attitude speak for me? Can I allow myself to make mistakes in judgment, to fall, trusting that He who is stronger and gentler than me will lift me up, rather than me yanking myself up by my bootstraps? God has the full, long view of history and my unique place in it. Will I trust myself to his leading? When it’s quiet, will I allow myself to rest rather than rushing to fill a void?
An example - In the midst of a broken and shattering relationship with a family member, I am unsure of myself. The implications of my actions each stand out like a sore thumb – how will it be interpreted by someone who hasn’t understood LOVE, the deep transforming love I am coming to know. I don’t know how to display love accurately within the context of a warped and estranged relationship, where their definitions of love and relationship are the absolute least common denominator. But I have resources to the full, to draw on. I have this family, this body, I have the love of my husband, real active love, I have the strength of a stepfather who adopted me as his own, I have a storehouse full of love that has been poured into me. Can’t I give out of that fullness? Can’t I ask for strength, for superhuman ability to love on the crucifix of broken relationship and hurts? I know that my answer has to be a Yes, unequivocally yes. But it is a hard thing to live out – it is a spirit-filled struggle.
The spiritual life is a lifelong process of opening ourselves to God. The spiritual journey begins even before we are aware of it and brings us to the point of opening our hearts to God.
As we grow in our practice of personal spiritual disciplines, we grow in our responsiveness and obedience to God's call. Personal prayer, Bible study, spiritual reading, fasting, journaling, acts of justice and compassion - these and other personal spiritual practices, all are means of opening our lives to God. I am impatient – I want to see the results now, I want the reconciliation and resolution now. I want the future now, because I have no faith. I am unsure of what the future holds, so I fear and worry and fret. Listening and walking with God, what does that look like? What does this new life mean to me? I always used to ask my mother “Out of two good choices, how do you know for sure if this thing or that thing is the right thing to do? How do I know it is the right choice?” I struggle with it even now – but now it is a spiritual struggle with resources to call on. It calls on me to be faithful in the moment of the Spirit’s leading, of trusting that even if I can’t see the end result that I have answered with willingness. There is such a thing as “in the fullness of time”…and am I willing to wait or will I play my own end game? A description of this new life in all these scriptures – it is active, it is knowing, it is trusting, it is loving, it bears eternal fruit – think of that. That has always been amazing to me, that in partnership with the Spirit’s power, I can join in creating something eternally lasting. God did not create this new life to be empty, but formed it to be inhabited, mainly with joy in trusting the one I am continually coming to know. Romans 4:21 being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised. And what are those promises? Do I claim them to be true, do I remind myself of truths despite how I feel in a situation or difficult relationship? Do I believe that I can do all things through Him that strengthens me? It’s His strength – do I claim it?
I do think you have to hold your life lightly - and you have to have a trusting relationship with God that allows for turns and twists, for trusting when it seems impossible. I recount and remember his generosities to me, and out of that wellspring, go forward.
