one of the reasons...

...I like the Internet is because it can follow the way my mind jumps in making word or topic associations. I read a year ago that copper has an antibacterial property to it - that viruses, germs, etc have a shorter lifespan on a copper surface than any other metal. Hospitals were eyeing it as an alternative for surgical surfaces, etc. The article also mentioned how the current craze for stainless steel by homeowners as a kitchen appliance metal of choice may be bad for health reasons since stainless steel almost was a harbor for viruses, germs to live and propogate.

So I jokingly commented to Greg how we should invest in copper futures. (Since marrying this man, I continue to become more educated and conversant about the stock market and world trends/news). This type of investment discussion also coincided with the news of property values in Searcy, AR going through the roof because people were selling their homes/land/mineral rights to companies searching for this vein of natural oil, hence the mining discussions (copper, oil, etc).

Stay with me, people...although I don't know if you'll think it worthwhile ultimately at the end of this post, but just an insight into my crazy synapses.

So today, watching Gilmore girls reruns (gotta love it) I see Rory get the Birkin bag gift from her boyfriend, remember seeing it mentioned in Sex & City episode too, and I proceed to go to the wikipedia article on Birkin bags. There I see that sometimes the metal fittings on these astronomically priced leather travel bags is palladium, and that is akin to the same metal family of platinum.

Now, when I got my first piece of serious jewelry, it was platinum setting (which I had never heard of, being a poor memphii girl) I had only thought gold was literally the gold standard. So when I had Greg's wedding ring crafted, I asked that it be made of platinum. The reason Hermes uses palladium in its fittings is because it does not tarnish like silver can and does.

Then I see palladium in the news article section of google and it informs me that copper and palladium investments are improving in the markets, etc (still don't understand it all) as recent as four days ago. And that the major places to mine for platinum are Russia, S. Africa, Montana, Canada, and that you have to mine extraordinary amounts of copper/iron ore to get a bit of it. And its applications are endless - from once a bizarre treatment for tuberculosis, to lowering auto emissions.

This thread all centers around these core metals and their points of interaction with international markets as well as personally as Greg's wedding ring.

So, there you have how the synapses fire in my head...sturm und drang to be sure. And that's why I love the Internet - it feeds, informs, and coalesces my random thought patterns. And whether or not it helps you understand me, it helps me communicate to those who care to follow me down the rabbit hole of my thinking. Maybe this is why only some people like poetry - because it takes a lot of work to understand the thought patterns and associations of another's artistic mind. Aaaah, the challenges of understanding anyone other than yourself. But that's a whole other discussion...

Lie

On days when I have an appointment to keep (and I'm trying to keep those to only one a day now that the baby is here), I prepare myself for the outside world. Sometimes wearing armor to hold me in; strategically placing fabric folds, ties, and angles to divert and fool the casual eyeing-over of strangers. (what an invasion - their judgement, and how tiring my gauging other's response/impression of me). Some actually voice it - the well-meaning comments of nurses ("Nursing the baby will really help you drop all that weight") to family members who have access past some of my armor unfortunately ("So when can you start to exercise again?" or "Don't get too casual in front of your husband - you've got to keep him interested") to casual acquaintances ("Just let that baby eat off all that fat, you eat smart and let it melt off").

By all this artifice and effort, I feel that I lie. I tell a story with my presentation of self - my clothes, jewelry, shoes, hairstyle, makeup. I play roles - casual/unaffected (blue jean jacket, one piece painted floor length casual dress underneath, drop silver artisan earrings, worn leather cowboy boots), top professional (sharp cut suit, but with diamonds and crisp shirt), sister of the groom (impossibly high heels, pleated soft over jacket to a short sheath dress, pearls), errand gal (cute ball cap, jeans, long sleeved t-shirt, tennis shoes), mission trip understatement (tiny stud nondescript earrings, no other jewelry except a stand-in silver ring to show I'm married and clothes and bags that are not notable or immediately identifiable as AMERICAN, key is anonymity) and the symphony attendee (black velvet floor length Ralph Lauren, silk wrap/embroidered coat).

I color my cheeks to portray a constantly-blushing fair haired girl, I blacken my faint, blonde thin eyelashes to not look like I've just woken up, all weak-eyed; and I still hear my mother saying "put on some lipstick - you look like you're dead!" Deep in the hottest water of my bath, I try to artistically assess my post-birth body - how soft some of my skin has become in waves, the purple markings on my fair skin's surface, like the healing of a scar (but no wound), failing to appreciate it when I'm honest with my self-inspection. My husband also knows my reality - the woman who literally heaves her healing body out of the depths of our king bed to tend to the newborn prince. He knows how my hair curls up unmanageable and wantonly from the steam of a hot bath or the steam of boiling a pot of spaghetti. He has seen how under my blue eyes I have the matching blue-hued skin from sleep deprivation. He has learned of the magic of how a nursing mother's milk actually behaves - the spurts and drips and floods that startle even me. Reality - the truth.

In that sad and faded city where I grew up, there were colored girls who would cry out "You a LIE" or "You a story" to call a person out into the truth or at least point out the other person's attempt at deception. Nothing seems to me more powerful/dangerous/compelling than a woman who tells the truth. It's one of the reasons Greg fell in love with me - my unvarnished truth-telling. I let him into my interior world of assessment, judgement, opinion, and abandoned my artifice and diplomacy.

Once on a walk in that wood
around the lake, I witnessed
a doe. Her movements were
delicate, dainty; but surefooted
through the trees and fallen
vines, despite her slack belly.
Shamelessly that mother made
her way among far younger
than her. In her right, she claimed
her queenly rank with her fawn at heel.

My mother would say of sick people "his color isn't good" or "you need to get your color back", like when someone gets bad news or goes white about to faint. I never thought of myself as "fair" in the poetic meaning - it always translated in my head to sickly, 'couldn't stay out in the sun too long', pale, colorless, never "fair". That was too complimentary. That is until my Christ sister in midtown Memphis, who herself has color - a lovely deep color, said one day to me with cocked, appraising eye: "You just like a porcelain doll - so beautiful, just like a porcelain doll!", touching my cheek gently. She transformed me.

And I think of that doe sight - walking confidently and no shame swaying her slack belly, stepping out boldly on the daintiest of hooves, and I claim the truth of what has occurred in me to view rightly my innate form, my color or lack thereof, my new rank and role as mother.

Entry

you kickstarted
new life outside
the womb by placing your feet on
the last rung of my
ribs and
surged into this suprised world

your fierce first cries were abruptly quieted
when you landed sideways on my skin
and we opened our eyes to each other

your father stood over me
and you
baptizing us in his tears
gasping at the reality of you

grandparents sailed in and
formed a circle of prayer over
your hastily made crib

and then you were back in my arms,
my mother holding onto my arm,
transferring her years of mother's tears over
to me with joylight in her clear eyes
and my sight suddenly clouded with the water wet
of relief and release
crossing over to this new unknown
of you.

seth larkin perry
november 5, 2009

Tyranny of the To Do list

The nesting instinct can kill ya!

This weekend, I shut down. I was pretty worthless on Saturday, and it depressed me. Part of it was knowing all the people I had not talked to, and owed a call or email to, as well as the dust layered on every surface of our home, nursery not painted, the papers not gone through, the appointments to make, the errands to run and buy, the registering to complete, the blog I had not updated since MARCH...and that's just the personal side of life - at work last week, we had a deadline to get some pilot sites live (as well as maintaining regular work requests and routine emergencies), we were down to two account managers, and it was a race to the finish. Greg was so gentle with me, which almost made it worse, because I wanted him to join in the party of castigating my lazy bones. But I got a surge of energy on Sunday (probably because I vegged the day before, right?!) and was thankful.

Now, I'm staring down the coming week, of all good things, mind you - bathroom semi-remodels, furniture deliveries, photo op of us with the growing belly, people connections to make, financial and childbirthing classes to attend, interviewing the new pediatrician, two baby showers (with work mates and then Atlanta on the weekend), and wrapping up work left undone last week as we met deadline's priority. Not many of the things on my to do list have been completed, (but maybe my list needs to include all the many steps and prep work that needs to happen first) so that something can get accomplished and crossed off the list. 'Cause I've made headway in those things - it just doesn't feel as satisfying as checking off an entire item.

Sorry - I hope you survived my rant, and I know you have your list too. Thanks so much for taking the time to care about mine. A great encouraging thing happened at the end of the day Friday - a dear friend at work, who kindly has allowed me in her life, dropped by my desk. I was in the midst of the craziness, but made a conscious effort to stop all the madness in my head (and stacked on my desk) to visit with her. Because at the end of the day, I will remember that short visit more than any of these other status report things for much longer, and will hopefully have progressed a friendship that will last above the fray of just everyday life.

A BOY!

It has been too long since I have last posted. Probably because I was too busy living to document the life. This is the recollection of finding out who this child was going to be - the day before Greg left for Rome, Italy for his oldest niece's wedding.

We found out that we have a BOY! We are thrilled...Greg and I went to our ultrasound appointment in our new OB/GYN's office, and the imaging tech worked her magic to find out. He quickly appeared on the viewing screen - he seemed to be looking right at us. Just seeing him so much bigger than the last time was a shock - even though I knew he was growing, and had even begun to feel him move, flutter and kick. And to see the full shape of his head, his chin, his eyes, his feet and fingers was a wonder. We both couldn't get enough of watching him as she manuevered, taking all his measurements. She seemed pleased with everything she was documenting, and we were thankful he was growing so good and vibrant. It cracked us up, too, because the majority of the time he was positioned with one arm behind his head and his legs stretched out with ankles crossed! He was just chillin' out! We got the biggest kick out of this attitude, and pose.

We couldn't wait to tell everyone, and started calling right away. Amazing how joy just naturally overflows the banks of your heart...

for Greg

if i could take your contented breath
as you join me in our bed,
and wrap it up
like so much origami
sweetness,
i would quickly grow fat and happy
with peace in our life.
fact is, this belly grows as evidence of
new life that is third, wanting to join
in the fun of you and me.
our small circle grows - and we
wonderingly welcome this new
as we soothe to rest
the old of how we had
come to know
us.

Our new doctor

Have you ever watched "A Baby Story" on TLC? I have been watching it recently to see if I can pick up on any tips. And I cry every time one of those babies enters the world in that last rush of pushing and emotion. One most recently was about a mother who was dead-set against having a C-section because she had already endured several surgeries in her life and was sick of getting new scars. She was miserable the entire time, and frustrated with the lack of progression of labor. When the doctors finally convinced her, the baby's heartrate was soaring and things were mayhem.


When I found out that my most recent OB/Gyn physician was leaving her practice and headed into the field of research, I was so disheartened! As any woman searching for a new doctor knows, when you've found a good situation, you stick with it! Her office was run like a tight ship - the nurses were so kind, knew my name, would send me back almost immediately (don't you just hate that - no time to catch up on the People magazine reads!), and would pick up the phone directly for consultations (no phone tree! amazing). The nurses loved their doctor leader, and were almost as knowledgeable as she was. She was pretty businesslike, just delved right in, and had over 20 years of experience "birthing babies". I visited again recently, and the nurses are still in mourning with the new replacement (straight out of residency) who apparently holds long consultations, creating a backlog of patients, and well, she's just not the same as the former physician. They are going to have to either move to a new practice, or get over mourning the past. I feel for them, though.

Well, I knew that time could not last - but we can always remember the way it was, and the way healthcare relationships could be.


Greg and I went to meet our new obstetrician yesterday - we chose her on the recommendations of our insurance carrier, our fertility specialist physician, and personal friends who knew her from shared medical experiences and friendship. Being the researcher myself, I had looked up online all the advice about how to interview a new OB and understand their stance on childbirthing issues. The questions were interesting, and raised several points that I had never thought of, or even had an opinion on. So, Greg and I went to lunch beforehand, and we talked about some of what I had found and why we might want to know what she thought. Greg and I had a lively conversation, cramped in the corner of Calypso Cafe, as we discussed the topics. I'm sure the people around us were amused. "First-timers, huh?"

Greg was surprised at how strongly I felt on some things and would ask - "where is this conviction coming from - do you have any friends that have done this? or how do you know about this?" which of course makes me all the more adamant that I am right, and that even if I only have myself as expert, that's good enough for me! ha Any of this sound familiar to my family members? I know you feel sorry for him - poor man. But I did reaffirm to him as we walked in the building that he did know that I would keep my mind open, and be quick to change my mind if I was presented with good information that clearly contrasted with my views - and that I would trust her expertise.


Because, at the end of the day, every mother, every birth is different. And you won't know til you get into it, what the circumstances will be. You can, of course, have your preferences, your druthers, but in the end, it's going to be about your mindset, flexibility (mental and physical - ha!), and willingness to "change course" if the need arises. We're back to my thoughts on expectations - because you can't be terribly disappointed if you didn't expect something to turn out in a certain, prescribed way. I think that's why I like my new doctoress - because she is open to whatever comes our way. She was the one who made the above statement about the uniqueness of each birth (and she's seen enough to know). I know that to be true in my own life because my experiences (as my brother can attest) are almost always interpreted by me in a different light than the person I'm with at the time. Viva la difference!

Family Trees

Having a baby sure does make you think about the ones that "came before". I love both sides of my family - I was blessed to get to know both my sets of grandparents.

Greg knew his mother's parents very well, and adored his grandfather. His father's parents were both dead before his father's 11th birthday. Lowell was raised by a woman named Grace, she was engaged to marry his father before he died of appendicitis. That's a great story - ask us about it sometime if you don't know the background.

I have also compiled all the names of family members (alive and passed on), not only to prevent from "repeats", but also to honor them in a complete list. We are going to have a hard time landing on a name for this new one! I was blessed to join the Foster clan my Junior year in High School, and since the number of great grandchildren is ever-increasing, I have to keep up with everyone!

Here they all are - enjoy!

George Dewey & Myrtle Ivy Snyder, Chester & Betty (Thelma Isabelle White) Ross, Melvin Earl & Susie Anna Davidson, Raymond "Ray" & Alma Perry, Hal & Janice Foster, Lowell & Earline Perry, Harold & Norma Perry, Grace Swisher Sprouls, Bobby & Rhonda Sprouls, Polly & Jimmye Parrott, Mark & Helen Ross – Will Ross, Ben & Martha Kelly, Ann Ross, John Ross - Matthew Ross, JR & Joan Ashburn, John & Joanne Knight, Art & Betty Elam, Jason & Leigh Ann Ross, Art & Amy Braden – Lydia & Wyatt Braden, David & Vonnie Perry - Ian Perry, Susan Perry, Kelly & Cindy Foster – Becca & Andrew Foster, Tracy & Jeri Schmidt, Scott & Angela Foster – Hannah & Katie Foster, Matteo & Heather Perry, Josh & Rosalyn Haug, Marcos & Camille Acosta, Russ & Sheila Ashburn – Aron Ashburn, Paul & Jill Underwood – Hannah & Leah Underwood, Neil & Hope Ashburn – Maddie Ashburn, Brian & Mary Dee Kelly - Ross & Rachel Kelly, Byron & Vanessa Kelly – Harper Elsie Kelly, Charles & Allison Vance, Josh & Lisa Schmidt – Madyson "Maddie" Lynn Schmidt (and expecting!), Jason & Daly Schmidt – Cade, Bradyn, Foster Schmidt, Brandon & Kacey Berry, Ben & Sara Schmidt

"Girl Ross"

April 14, 1972 As you can see, Baptist Hospital named me first (just kidding, mom!). This is the earliest photo of me that we know of. (I got a lot cuter). I know my mom was driven to the hospital by my Aunt Betty and Auntie Jo (her sisters) and my dad was dealing with some kind of payroll for his men. My older brother, Jason, had come along three years earlier in July, but I was to be a spring baby.

I found a friend at Lipscomb University in the 1990's that was born on the same day, thirty minutes after me, the same doctor, but he had almost died at birth had it not been for a quick-thinking nurse. Dr Walter Ruch delivered us both into this world, and I found that amazing that we would meet up later in life. Seems like Baptist was the only place to be born in West Tennessee - I can't imagine how many babies were born there. It's closed now - the downtown hospital.

Mom really worked on a great name for me (Jana Marie Ross) - she always wanted to make sure that our names were distinctive (not everyone in our class had them) and I didn't meet another "Jana" until college. She also wanted the names to "flow" together. Jason was a little more common as he grew up, though - Mom swears that it was pretty unusual at the time, but then seems like everyone was named Jason after that. Trendsetter!

I have so many baby pictures that Hal will attest that I am overly proud of, that I thought I would post the earliest and least flattering! I loved my childhood - I was loved greatly and loved back with a full heart. We had our best, most memorable times at the Woodland house, and it is posted on the right as the homefront. Jason and I have tons of stories and memories from that house - it's almost mythical. I am so thankful for my goodly heritage and the love that was in our family. I can't wait to pass that on to this next generation!

Baby Greg

July 12, 1960 They thought he was going to be a July 4th baby, but he came later than anticipated! Greg's arrival added the third child to Lowell & Earline's family. Earline always felt that she was supposed to have three children, and her mother even questioned her about it. But she felt sure, and there was to be three! There are 10 years between Greg and his older brother, David, and five years between he and his sister, Susan. Earline always says that there are different parents with each child that comes along! Greg remembers so many things from his childhood - the fact that his parents always came to his sports events (even though neither were interested in sports at all - only him!), that his dad only had to raise his eyebrow at Greg to get him to "straighten up", that he had a great neighborhood of pals to run around with, his experience in Brazil (1965-67) with Naire and baking a chocolate cake together to suprise the family, to name but a few stories I've heard told. I can't wait to see Greg holding this new little one - when he heard the heartbeat this month, he declared it to be the best sound he's heard in his life! We have great expectations for what God is at work doing...

Second View

3/16/2009 This little one grew in two weeks triple the size - no wonder I've been so tired! The proud parents viewed this growth in amazement - from 5.5mm in the previous posting, to 19.7mm this time! The head is on the left, and the little heart was just beating away (170 beats per minute) right beneath the head. When the ultrasound began, that little peanut was squirming away and the heart just pounding. So, the movement was "all over" this time - not just the heart. Everything is fine - we are being referred now to our Obstetrician and our first appointment with her will be at the end of this month. We are so thankful and our hearts are full to bursting to be on this journey with this little one. Thank you for all your prayers on our behalf. We love sharing this good news with you!

First Viewing

3/02/2009 - So, they say a picture is worth a thousand words, so this image introduces the first visual evidence of what we already knew to be true - that Greg and I were blessed to be expecting a baby. What we were not prepared for was hearing that little nugget's fast heartbeat! Now the emotion we felt with that sound byte - that we may not be able to successfully convey in words. But I can tell you we felt awe, thankfulness, elation, and joy. Deep, deep joy at this new creation sound.

A little explanation is in order to make sense of what you see here. It's not a baby bird (some saw an eye and beak), no, it's much smaller what you are looking for. There are two helpful "X"s that span the distance from the baby's crown to the end of the baby's rump. The two tiny X's are at the top left of the black dot. Hopefully, the resolution is good enough to see, if not, just trust us, it's there.

My mother kindly sent us a book (my love language!) that informs new parents about the growth and daily changes for the baby and the mom. We have been reading it nightly together, and are stunned at the power and majesty of our Creator. I'll be posting next the companion picture that was taken yesterday. You'll be amazed at the difference in a short two week timeframe.

Finding Out

Do not the most moving moments of our lives find us all without words?
—Marcel Marceau